Preface

• So guys, sometimes there are some movies or some trailers that I get to see and I’m so psyched after I see them, I just can’t wait to talk about them, get home and write a review and tell you guys to all go see them!
• This is basically the opposite of that situation…
• My God.

Rant

• Yup, I’m not even gonna break it up into sections.
• Cuz if this movie can go all over the place, so can I.
• Alright, The Loft is a movie that came out a couple months ago and actually seemed a little interesting.
• I saw some bad reviews but still I thought it could be kinda fun to watch.
• Essentially it’s about these five guys who are all sharing a loft where they can go and cheat on their wives, but one day they come in and find a girl dead there. Ooh, which of the five did it!?
• That premise just now was a lot more interesting than the actual movie.
• Let’s start with the writing of this movie because, really?
• The premise of this movie was cool but the dialogue killed me.
• There was one exchange towards the beginning of the movie when they find the girl dead and it essentially goes like this:

“We have to call the cops!”

“No we can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because then they would find out.”

“Okay.”

• I swear to God, and it only gets worse from there.
• Run friends, run for thy lives.
• The movie is really clunky too, and it’s ironic Project Almanac was my last review because I said that movie was really clunky.
• The clunkiness in this movie makes Project Almanac look like it is the swiftest, cleanest, sleekest, most well-assembled movie ever. (Maybe a Matthew Vaughn movie or something, cuz that guy’s movies are all of those things.)
• It feels like this movie is a person and it continuously gets distracted by something else.
• It hops from the main story (which despite the dialogue was kinda interesting) into these awful flashbacks.
• And the directing is so off, you can’t tell if something is actually a flashback at first.
• And you don’t know when the flashback took place compared to the main story.
• The actual directing, like shot-by-shot is garbage too!
• It still isn’t as bad as Angelina Jolie’s directing in Unbroken, but this felt like Little Timmy got handed all this footage and snuck into his dad’s office and edited it on Final Cut Pro or something.
  • And the whole time he’s like, “oh wow, that looks cool!”
• This didn’t even feel like a first-time director, it felt like a film school project.
• And not even a good one, cuz there’s a lot of great film school students out there.
• This felt like something a kid wrote, shot, edited, and submitted on his iPhone an hour before it was due.
• THAT is the perfect summary I can give this movie.
• Whoever this director is, he’s throwing in way too many characters to keep straight too.
• You got your 5 main guys, and right from the start that’s too many.
• I get that there’s some intrigue of “who did it?” But honestly, if you want to do mostly flashbacks then you need to have at most 4 guys.
• That could even build the suspense higher too!
• James Marsden and Karl Urban, two really good actors, are in this movie and they aren’t even phoning it in, they’re like emailing it in!
• Then Cam from Modern Family is in it too, and he’s trying to be taken seriously but he acts like a big cartoon. His character is probably the one you cut.
• Then you got this psychiatrist guy who felt like he could’ve been a good character if this had been a good movie. The actor was underperforming though so you kinda lost it.
• And then you got James Marsden’s half-brother who’s supposed to be crazy but isn’t written well enough to be taken seriously.
• Ultimately, there are good actors in this thing but they’re so bogged down by the ATROCIOUS writing and the horrible, horrible directing.
• This movie opens and you start thinking it could be like a cool spin on Saw or something. Small confined space, mysteries to solve, etc.
  • I haven’t seen Clue, but I know comparisons have been made to that movie too.
• But ultimately the movie ends by trying to seem smarter than it was, it drags on 20 minutes too long, and the “twists” in the movie just make you want to fall face first into a brick.
• The Boy Next Door at least had a couple good scenes and you could watch in kind of a guilty pleasure type way, but The Loft simply is… UNWATCHABLE.
• Well at least it has the honor of being the first movie to get that rating…

***

So guys, there’s my rant on The Loft! What are your guys thoughts on this movie? I’m sure not everyone despised it. Let me know in the comments down below, and as always, thanks for reading guys.