Review/Rant

• Ya know what guys, Pixels actually isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It’s actually a lot worse.
• Kevin James plays the President, did you actually think I was gonna say, “wow… That was cool!”
• No, but I’ll say this about Pixels: it had a good premise. It’s about an alien race of video game characters who think old footage from the 80s is a declaration of war. So now only the biggest video game nerds can take em down!
• You hear about it and you’re like: man, that’s absurd but it could be kinda like a modern day take on Ghostbusters or even Independence Day.
• But no… No!

• Well let’s start off with the characters, because in true Adam Sandler fashion they’re all these one-dimensional cartoons that no one likes.
• We got Adam Sandler as this generic straightman who lost a videogame championship when he was a kid. How sad…
• Now he’s like geek squad, and as I said he is so bland in this movie. It’s almost like Adam Sandler’s character in this movie was just forced to sit through the last three Adam Sandler movies.
• Then you got his best friend, Kevin James who’s the President of the United States of America! Yeah, you heard that right… Believe it or not, the fact that Kevin James is the president actually is one of the best qualities of this movie.
• Comparatively speaking, Adam Sandler and Kevin James are actually the two best characters in the movie because they’re bland and stupid. And that’s a lot better than you can say for everyone else in the movie…
• Maybe it’s just that Adam Sandler and Kevin James haven’t been funny for a long time and the rest of this cast has some talent.
• You got Peter Dinklage in the movie, a GREAT actor, who is ultimately the biggest creep and most hate-able person I’ve seen onscreen this entire year.
• Well actually, second most hate-able. Because let us not forget that Josh Gad is in this movie too.
• Josh Gad is a funny guy. He’s still kinda in the “up-and-comer” territory but he is really funny in almost anything he’s in! As long as almost anything he’s in isn’t Pixels.
• Josh Gad is playing a creep too. He’s in love with this video game character and he’s the least developed out of them all.
  • At least with Kevin James they have this dumb subplot with his wife to try to flesh him out. Josh Gad’s character could have been completely eliminated from the movie and it would have been better.
  • Same to Peter Dinklage, but at least that guy was trying. Gad was phoning it in.
• Michelle Monahan was in this movie too! Man, good actors that are all in this abomination.
• Michelle Monahan’s character is someone who you see the potential with, but the movie goes in so many different directions that you have no idea what her real purpose is. She’s supposed to be Adam Sandler’s love interest, but then she’s also supposed to be this nurturing mother, the latter of which has completely fallen apart by the end of this movie.
  • There’s a scene where (yeah sorry, spoiler alert, but in all honesty: you don’t care) they’re about to rescue Michelle Monahan’s son and instead of running to rescue her son, she goes down the Diddy Kong platforms and tries to save Q*bert instead.
• And that brings me to my next topic of ranting: who wrote this thing!?
• It actually amuses me that this movie was supposed to be a comedy. There were jokes in the movie that you can tell that you were supposed to laugh at, but they just completely fell flat. No one in my theater was laughing. At all.
  • And there were little kids in my theater watching this thing. We’ll get to the part about them when I talk about marketing.
• I love to laugh. It’s literally my favorite thing to do.
• If a drama is bad, at least you can laugh at it or appreciate the potential. When you make a comedy so unfunny that no one amongst the variety of ages in my auditorium laughs ONE SINGLE TIME during the entire movie, you have freaking failed as a comedy writer my friend.
• Not to mention how clunky the entire movie feels. You get to a point after they beat Pac-Man, and you’re like: wow, that felt pretty short. It wasn’t a good movie, nothing I’d ever recommend to anybody, but at least it’s over and I can now return to my home with some free time left.
• But no, it feels like the movie tricked itself or something and wasn’t sure if it was over yet. So it eventually decides: yeah, we’ll just go on another 25 minutes too long.
• The whole thing felt clunky, and it wasn’t sewn together very well. Again, for such an interesting and promising premise everything just didn’t work for pacing or storytelling aspects.
• I’ll say this too: if you want to talk about jokes being unfunny and pacing being off, some of the jokes went on way too long and they weren’t even promising jokes.
  • That Pac-Man’s father bit that you see in the trailer, honest to God that was not even the worst one. When Josh Gad is insulting the Navy Seals, THAT is the point at which I knew I should have gotten up and left the theater.
  • If you, my loyal reader, are for some reason forced against your will to see this movie: get up and walk out at the Josh Gad military insult scene and just walk into a showing of Ant-Man.
• Yeah and still on the terms of writing: the jokes in this movie were so mixed.
• There were some dumb jokes aimed at 5 year olds, then there were a ton of sex jokes and 80s references aimed at teenagers and adults.
• I like director Chris Columbus, but this is probably the worst Chris Columbus movie I have in a long while, if not ever.
• The effects for the aliens were done very well, but I’m not a moron.
• I can’t say that CGI made the movie good, because it didn’t. It just meant that there were occasionally some okay special effects in an otherwise garbage movie.
• I can definitely tell you that any adults who see this movie are going to absolutely hate it. Smart teenagers will hate it too and it’s gonna drive them out of their minds. Dumb teenagers and kids will become stupider while watching this movie, and at the end of the day I hope it totally flops at the box office.
• Guys, if I didn’t give this movie this rating it would just mean that I wasn’t confident enough to do it. So I’m gonna be confident enough to do it.
• Pixels is… UNWATCHABLE.
• I would say that Jack and Jill, Grown Ups 2, and Pixels are like the trifecta of Adam Sandler garbage for me. I hated this movie that much. I would go so far as to say I hated watching this.

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So guys, those are my thoughts on Pixels… What are your thoughts on this movie!? Let me know in the comments down below, and as always, thanks for reading guys.